La Paz, Bolivia

Wed 11/25 - La Paz, Bolivia

Woke up 230am. Karen is not in her bed with me after work. Confused. Can't sleep. Breakfast with parents. Can't communicate. So weird. Feeding me every meal even when Karen is not around. So weird. Bus to downtown with Karen. Kids dress up as old men and dance with canes while lady is getting arrested in the middle of dance for some sort of protest? Weird. Depart Karen. Walk. Tourist famous witch shopping mall. Walk. Cool hip downtown area. Neighborhood windy and hilly and cutesy like San Fran. Walk. Top of huge hill overlooking city. Drink beer. Walk to Teleferica (gondola) to ride back to Karen's. No money. No ATM. Walk. Back down hill. Keep walking. Caught in windy highway. Keep walking. Following old lady and kids up some cliff. Walk. Buses won't pick me up. Walk. Arrive Karen's. About five hours of straight walking. Legs are fucked. Fed by parents. Weird. Pass out.

Thurs 11/26

Karen asks "My Friend heard that you are a gringo is wondering if you want to be in a documentary" and I say "Yes." Go to La Paz visa President office. Beautiful government building Film crew is set up all around the place. I sit down not knowing anyone. Wait. Girl sits me down and puts make up on me. Wait. Different girl takes me down and gives me suit. Wait. Talk to actors. Really rad dudes. Wait. Finally I'm sat down in an office around a table with two dudes and a map and pawns. I'm fed a cigarette. I'm smoking a cigarette in a government building. My old direction is "this guy is going to tell you something. Don't trust him. Just shake your head and say whatever you want. There is no audio but your mouth needs to be moving." Action. Guy says a bunch of shit to me in Spanish. I make shit up back in English. Repeat five times. I'm handed hand fulls of money to slide across a table. Repeat five times. Done. Walk to really pretty view point spot. Pass out.

Fri 11/27

Was going to go to the "Devil's Jaw" for hike and view of city but foot is still totally fucked from walking so much. Limping everywhere. Karen is working. Parent's keep feeding me. Quiet meals around table with shitty spanish and watching TV. Must get out to go anywhere. Go to hip Sopacachi area and sit in a park with a very pretty view while couples made out around me for a while. Meet Karen. Still can hardly walk. Back to her place. Drink beer and wine very very fast. Carry half bottle of wine around with me and in cab like a classy adult. Salsa bar live band. Ausies looking for coke. Go back out to wine. Drunk. Head back. Sleep with Karen. Pass out.

Sat 11/28

Fast forward... Cafe 9pm. Tinder. Within a half hour I have a match and some girl is waiting for me with her friends in a BMW. Drive to some bar. They are all very basic besides the part of picking up internet strangers. Drive to club. Dancing. Bored. Drinking. Less bored. Some twenty year old very attractive girl asks me to dance. Way less bored. Within two minutes we are making out and our hands are everywhere. Original Tinder date departs. Five minutes into make out dance floor too young for me girl I look around and realize her two friends are also making out with two random guys. Figure it out quick. As predicted she says "I got to go" and her and the rest of make out city depart. I look to the dudes who were being made out with. Instant comrodery. I say something along the lines of "what the fuck???” and “Is this how it works in Bolivia???" Dudes take me under there early twenty year old wings. "All you have to do is ask to dance." MiniBolivi bro faces girl: "do you want to dance?" Girl: "No." MiniBolivi bro tries again. “No.” I depart to test this on my own. Mostly I just drink. Everyone is getting up on bar. Dancing to the Peruvian blend of reggaeton, Sublime, and Top 40. MiniBolivi bros get me on to bar. I'm dancing on bar and cracking up at the very unamused bartender. I get some girls attention somehow. Talk. Exit bar together. Takes me with her and her friends to find more beer. YouTube rap sessions to Fetty Wap and Lil' Wayne. Verrrrrryyyy pretty. Get in taxi. Heading to her house. Arrive at her friends parents house. I'm uncomfortable but drunk and everyone lives with their parents in Bolivia but it's still reeeaaal weird. Older sister comes home. I'm significantly older than her older sister. Real uncomfortable. But her and her friends have Whiskey. No one in Latin America drinks whiskey. Drink their Whiskey. Girl takes me to "our" bed that someone is sleeping in. Fourth person who is sister joins bed. I have tiny sliver. Girl is really upset about this. Make out with girl. I'm preetttyyy sure she miiiiggghht have told me she is a virgin. Pass out.

Sun 11/29

Wake up. Look at this girl. I never asked her age but she must be nineteen or twenty.  Suddenly feel suuuper uncomfortable. Still leave my contact because I'm an ethically confused scumbag. Run. Escape parents house. Return to Karen's house. Her and her parents are sitting around table at "my" house. Karen has no idea where I've been. I smile and say "party" and get everyone to laugh. Parents leave. Sex in the shower. Leave to Cholita Wrestling.

Cholitas are indigenous women whose culture is that of before the Spanish inquisition. They speak a different language, have a different religion, and have a hella sick style including colorful blankets and hipster bowler 1950's caps. Long oppressed Cholitas make wrestling a stage to express their frustrations with mistreatment. The show is fucking fantastic. Grown ass woman flying off top ropes body slamming and beating the shit out of each other with humor and acrobatic prowess.

Return to Karen's. Stop by Grocery store before. Don't have my debit card. Must have left in ATM across city. Fuck. Go across town to see if "machine is not working because stuck with card (???)". Not there. Gondola transport shuts down. Over an hour to get back. Pass out.

Mon 11/30

whole day figuring out credit card shit. Try to call atm bank. I swear bank has card. Karen thinks not. Look into all the other ways to get money. Karen is going to open another account and I put a bunch of money in there. Saint. Last ditch effort to call bank. Get a hold of someone. They say it's possible they have it. Call tomorrow. I just want to get the fuck out of Bolivia at this point. Look into deadliest road bike tours. $70. Looks totally sick gnar. Buy it. Go to Indian restaurant. Some "deathly spicy" curry dish that if I can finish the entire thing I win a t-shirt. I get it because Bolivian have no idea what spice is. Of course I'm a jackass. Eat half. It's actually very delicious but I'm sweating and the veins in my head are starting to hurt. Go to some bar. Pass out.

Tues 12/1 - Yungas Road / Death Road

Wake up for deadliest bike ride. My stomach is fucked. Apparently I spent the whole night twitching and yelling in my sleep. Crawl down to cafe to meet. Load up for bike ride. About to go out into the middle of nowhere and try not to shit myself. New meaning to "deadliest bike ride" hee hee.

Bike ride is pretty rad shred gnar. Dropped off at some 4000 meters. Total descent is almost 3000 meters and 65km of road. First part is paved winding cold road dipping through mountains while cars and semis pass around us. Next part is warm clear dirt road. Quickly cliffs form to the side of us. No guard rails in most parts. Waterfalls. Riding under waterfalls. Don’t look at waterfalls or might fall to death. End ride at small semi-rain-forest town. Jump immediately in river with immediate beer in hand. Eat. Ride back. Return to Karen’s parents house. More family there to make things more weird. She wants to go out right away. I’m totally exhausted. Go out. Drink with her friends. Pass out.

Wed 12/2

I'm leaving Bolivia. Last effort to call bank. Bank has my card. I fucking knew it. Awesome. Eat. Pack. Cute awkward letter to Karen's parents. Cute awkward goodbye to parents. Head to bank. Talk to dude. Gives me card. Waves fee. Bolivians are sooo much nicer than Peruvians. Bus to border town Desaguadero. Still have to get out of country without being caught. Blow right through military checkpoint. Walk right through border with my disguise which was my bag in front of my face. Ask only restaurant for menu. He just says "chicken." Board bus back to Puno eating a sleeve of cookies spilling crumbs all over myself packed between two people - a celebration. Arrive Puno. Eat some pizza. Drink a beer. A celebration. Pass out.