Montañita, Baños, &Quito, Ecuador

Fri 12/18 - Montañita, Ecuador

Arrive Montañita. Go to hostel. Bob Marley Lumineers young kid hippy jams. Immediately regret the hostel I picked. Meet a bunch of Americans. Go to beach. Young attractive foreign people selling whatever shit they could make/find = beach life. Do something. Eat something. Drink something. Meet some dude from Chile. I drink most of his bottle of $4 rum. Introduces me to his friends. Have no fucking clue what they are talking about because Chilean slang. Meet boring girl. Go to the beach. I try to jump a wall to a $25 club. Chilean disappears. I’m left with boring girl. I leave boring girl. Go to a club that had sublime red hot chile peppers oasis cover band earlier. Now just regular shitty dance music. Find Chilean dude again. Tries to explain how to get girls. “You just go up to them and spin them and then dance with them.” Tries. Doesn’t work. Tries again. Doesn’t work. I’m exhausted but become fascinated in an anthropological way. Take back seat of club to watch. After hours of studying their culture, dance, and technique in summary - douche tan muscle beach dudes get the girls. Pass out.

Sat 12/19

Wake at noon. Days in beach towns if you don’t surf there is nothing to do but “chill.” Try to appreciate young hippy bros. Do something. Eat something. Drink something. Meet a Wicker Park hipster who started his own tour company here. Meet girl from US who is tall blonde and pretty funny. Everyone goes out. “Cocktail Alley” is exactly what it sounds like. I drink a handful of $2 Mojitos outside surrounded by a million tables selling cocktails. I get taken buy Wicker Park hipster to some shady guy to buy coke for the first time in my life because I’m in the most renowned beach party town, and I’m a piece of shit. I share coke with tall blonde and her not-as-attractive friend. Get just the most blasted. We lost all of our friends. We go to some “rock” bar. Spilling drinks. Enter some English guy. We all go to the beach to swim nude. I’m fucked up but not too fucked up to realize leaving all my shit on the beach at night is a bad idea. So as I’m swimming I’m switching between watching everything important I own and naked girls. Dark figures passing by on beach but none are stopping. Return to shit. Walk back to hostel. Check my pockets. Mine and the blonde who was keeping her cell phone in my pants are gone. My money is gone (but my wallet is still there, which was admittedly, pretty cool). Blonde is freeeaaaking the fuck out. I’m drunk and on coke. She is thinking what is she going to do. I’m thinking about my brand new cell and also how this girl is now definitely not going to have sex with me now. Return to hostel bar. Cut scene. I literally cannot remember about three hours… but it definitely involved drinking. Return scene. Me and blonde are walking alone through empty streets at dawn. Find sexy surfer guy. Go to his place to smoke pot. I smoke a bunch of pot. She leaves sexy surfer guy and goes back to hostel with me. We are fucked up out of our minds while holding each other. Her head is on my shoulder. We are the last ones awake sitting together close on bench. Her shitty not-so-attractive fucking friend is comes out of the door with “YOU NEED TO GO TO BED NOW.” She stumbles up the steps. I sigh. Pass out.

Sun 12/20

Wake up 2:30pm past check out. Asshole is charging me for an extra night even though I got my phone stolen and since I got my phone stolen I obviously had to pound cocktails until 8am. Just the worst brain dead fuck all hungover all day. I hate Montañita. Meet some very sweet nice cute blonde German girl. Go out and eat with her. She is leaving on a bus in an hour. I buy the last bus ticket and cheer that I’m getting the fuck out of this town. Bus back to Guayaquil. Pizza hut. Overnight bus to Baños.

Mon 12/21 - Baños, Ecuador

Wake up 3am. Freezing fucking bus. Shorts flip flops t-shirt only. No sleep. Arrive Baños 5:30am. Sleep on concrete ledge at hostel. Buy $6 shoes. Rent bike. Attempt a 21km waterfall ride that “is very clear you won’t get lost.” Get lost. Ride 7km up an accidental mountain. Find waterfall route. Riddled with waterfalls. Final waterfall is fucking huge and crazy and you can walk under it. Pick up truck ride back to town with hot Swiss couple. Try to figure out how to hit on a couple. Get their number. Return to hostel. Can’t figure out how to Whatsapp their number. Check my back ups of my photos. Picture of the mother fucker who stole my phone, his wife, his kids, and his fucking nativity scene that he shot with a fucking stolen phone is all uploaded. Send photo to blonde to hunt for him. Meet a twenty one year old couple. We go out drinking with other people from hostel. Get loaded on street. I’m just talking all the shit to the couple making fun of them for being twenty one. Twenty one year old kid tells me he is in school for engineering and that I’m almost thirty and grow weed. Twenty One wins. I teach them slaps and slap the shit out of his twenty one year old girlfriend. I win (nah). Pass out.

Tues 12/22 - Quito, Ecuador

I’m leaving Baños. But I made a vow to myself to swim in a river in every country I visited. I’m only going to Quito and then Colombia so I have to find river in Baños. Walk to hot spring because hot spring has a waterfall next to it and thus a river. Right? No waterfall dumps directly into a drainage ditch or something. Hot spring is just a bunch of old lobster Germans. Walk to main river. Gigantic canyon to white water rapids. Try to walk to river. Almost fall off cliff after tripping in cow shit. Can’t get to river. Sit defeated by giant canyon bridge. Some dude does the most beautiful slow drawn out back flip ever off bridge and then is caught by bungee swing and sent flying through the air. Depart Baños.

Arrive Quito late at huge confusing bus terminal. Some girl flags me down. Has no idea what is going on. I have no idea what is going on. We become friends. Figure out taxi. Figure out a hostel. Beautiful downtown. Plaster houses and cobblestone streets. Hostel has pretty view of lit city and shadowed mountain backdrop from patio. Pass out.

Wed 12/23

Most boring free walking tour ever in morning. Like a shitty half reading of a Wikipedia page. Switch hostel from historic center to party center. Check into worst named hostel Vibes Hostel. Manager girl is from South of Boston. We immediately start talking loud annoying bullshit. Meet a bunch of great semi-bros at hostel all traveling solo. Eat dank burrito. Keep hearing of “Ladies Night.” Fast forward to “Ladies Night.”

Start drinking in my hostel, which has a ladies night. Get Molly’s (Boston’s) dress so I can drink free cocktails. Ladies night at this huge bar called Bungalow is described to me as: woman drink for free from 8-10p. Dudes line up outside and peek through windows and (as I imagine) buck and hump the gate before it opens at 10p. The hostel owner told me how totally surreal it is to be the first guy in the bar. “For a moment you’re the only dude surrounded by hundreds of hot drunk woman all checking you out.” Boston told me “It’s where you go to get laid.”

Arrive Ladies Night. Packed club of about five hundred people. Yes - lots of ladies. I go upstairs for drinking and dancing and smoking. Sequence of events: dancing with hot French Spanish girl. Doesn’t know English. I can’t hold a conversation, especially drunk at a club. No bueno. Gross hostel owner is hitting on cute girl from hostel. She’s literally reaching to me for help. Save cute hostel girl (later the hostel owner referred to this as “the competition” - guh). Leave to bathroom to return to cute hostel girl to find very cute nerd chic girl just standing by the wall staring at nothing. I unconsciously drunk stop and say, “hola.” She says, “hola.” I say “como estas?” She says, “bien.” She says in Spanish “do you want to sit down?” I say, “okay.” Within thirty seconds of sitting down she is, no shit, driving her tongue down my throat and gnawing on my lip. I’m half laughing and waiting for her to Peruvian fade. She is trying to push me horizontal onto a bar bench. I’m touching her boobs in front of a room full of people and still waiting for her to up and leave. She is coming very close to ripping the lip off of my face when suddenly her friend storms into the room crazy eyed shouting and, no shit, grabs her by the hair and drags her off of me and out the door all in about five seconds. I never see her again. Go to tell the story to dude from my hostel. Not very attractive girl is eye fucking me across bar. I oblige, but walk over to her hot friend and talk to her first who shakes her head and points back at her not very attractive friend. I talk to her friend outside over a cigarette and she is sweet. Some nerd chic Dutch girl comes over and stands next to me drawing my posture towards her like a well placed magnet. I hang with her until bar close make out on the street for a while bring her back to my hostel sneak into an empty room and crazy rip clothes off drunk bang. Ooool’ trustful Europeans.

Thurs 12/24

Wake up a few hours later to her grinding her shit up on my shit. Still drunk bang. Everyone is climbing to the top of a mountain next to the city today. I sort of kick her out immediately after and climb into my own bed and wait with a hoodie over my head. Boston hostel manager comes in and say “What the fuck your roommates said you just went to be fifteen minutes ago and you’re drunk you are not coming on the hike” to which I said “Uhhhhhhhh.” They depart I pass out again. Wake up. Hostel owner is sitting on couch trying to get nudes from someone. I sit around all day fixing technology.

That night we had a potluck Christmas dinner. People from around the world made mostly dishes from their home country. I made mini burritos because everyone knows burritos are the best food in the United States. We held hands and made up a secular grace and the hostel owner made a bunch of Jesus jokes and offended some Peruvian guy. The food was very good and I brought a bottle of scotch because no one drinks whiskey in South America and got everyone grandad drunk. The sweet German Girl from Montanita messaged me and said “Merry Christmas” to which I handed off the phone to everyone at the table to pass around and hit on her as best as they good (my favorite reply to something was “you think I’m a virgin???”) After we went to a club and I tried to hit on Boston some but we were both completely exhausted from hiking or drinking banging the night before. It was a very truly Merry Christmas.

Fri 12/25

Totally lazy day. Everyone just sat around smoking weed out of an apple and watching movies. Boston and I spent like nine hours talking shit on each other. It was like I was home. Merry Christmas.

Sat 12/26

Woke up ass early to climb that fucking mountain. Ordered a sandwich with no meat. Lady stared back at me completely blank for a solid five seconds either not understanding my shitty Spanish or not understanding who wouldn’t want ham with breakfast. Bus to mountain was throwing some old lady and her kid around who were both laughing about it (I like that). Ride cable car to top of first mountain. Two hour Nathaniel Rateliff and Junip five thousand meter no air hike. Top was freezing and engulfed in a cloud so couldn’t see anything. Slid down dirt shoot on feet down half the mountain which was super fun.

Back on bus. Sit next to punk rockers. I looked at the half crusty septum pierced girl next to me, smiled, took a deep breath, and for the first time in my life, I was finally the one able to say “...AAAAARRRRE YOU IN A BAND?” to which she turned and said “yes” and then I finally had the privilege of saying “...WHHAAAAT KIND OF MUSIC?” to which she said “punk rock” and then I got to say “...WHHEEERRRE ARE YOU FROM?” to which she said “Paris.” To which then I told her all about how I’m also in a punk rock band and we have played Paris to which she really didn’t give a fuck but was very nice and told me they just finished touring Colombia and it was the craziest tour they’ve ever been on.

Arrive hostel. Victory beer. Talk hours more shit to Boston. Tend to Tinder. I have been ditched three nights in a row. I make plans with all three assuming at least two if not all would ditch again. One ditched. The other two came out to meet me. I ask them where they are. It turns out they are literally at bars across the street from each other on the same intersection. I tell the one out with friends I’m sick and head out to meet the other.

Andrea. Super cute. Cheery. Think Joe’s x-girlfriend Amanda but metal instead of punk. By the way what’s with Amanda still listening to Minor Threat and the Misfits all the time, am I right? It always tells me on Spotify. So Andrea shows me here Viking metal back piece. We are both doing our best to speak each other's language. Grabbing my arms and leaning in real close right away. We finish the first good beer I’ve had in South America (craft shit is rare). Walk over to my hostel to drink beers I have. Boston is just infuriated I’m on a Tinder date instead of hanging out and talking endless shit with her. I have to explain to Andrea, like so many other people, that “Nigger” is not an acceptable thing to say around anyone from the United States. She tells me, like so many others, she doesn’t dislike black people, it’s just that they steal more. I don’t know how to explain how thinking like that perpetuates oppression and the plight of the African American in Spanish. Walk around. Make out for a while. Go to Bungalow - the ladies night club. Make out some more. I turn the corner for a second to ask for a cigarette and some other girl basically makes me kiss her. Walk back to the table. Laughing a ton. I’m totally falling for her. She tells me how much she likes me. I tell her how she is going to make me stay in Ecuador. We kiss more. Go upstairs in empty room. Make out a ton. Get kicked out of room. Bar close. Walk to street. I say in a gleeful confident what-could-go-wrong-now manner “so, what now?” to which she, in the fashion of the times, in the fashion of the country, in the fashion of the entire north western part of the enormous fucking continent of which every female got together and agreed “okay we will tell dudes how much we like them and smoosh our faces together with tongues but just remember as soon as it’s really fun and nice and happy - WALK AWAY FOREVER.” Everyone from my hostel is suddenly across the street watching her hailing a cab and staring at me. I shout “FUCK THIS COUNTRY.” I end up yelling about how I don’t get laid enough or something stupid in front of a dozen strangers. Pass out, grumbling.

Sun 12/27

Wake up a few hours later to catch a bus to a tiny waterfall town called Mindo. An hour and a half on two different buses one of which I think compressed my spine on a bump. Get to the terminal and it’s an after Christmas shit show. All the buses to Mindo are sold out. I say fuck it and go to the Colombia bound ticket window and get a ticket for a bus leaving in ten minutes. Meet some Australian couple going the same place. Get on bus with them. They are complaining about how hard and dirty everything is. If I were to give advice about traveling South America rule #1 would simply be: Don’t be a pussy. We get to border town and the girl is so afraid the taxi driver is going to kill her or someone is going to kidnap her or something. She is plump and light skinned with rosey cheeks with two huge bags on her back and front. She reminds me of a Christmas ham and I totally get why people would mug her. People should mug her. I want to mug her.

Get to bus terminal on border town. Sit on like ten cent per hour internet. Andrea has, no shit, changed her profile picture to a picture of me and her. Get on bus. I'm on bus right now. There's wifi here. I'm about to pass out.

her profile picture.

Mancora, Peru & Guayaquil, Ecuador

Sat 12/12

Shit sleep. Wake six to kids scream playing all over my seat. Arrive Mancora, Peru. $2.50 omelet with coffee and fresh squeezed strawberry juice shake thing. Just figured I'd "find a hostel when I get there" which has never once been a good idea. No internet café. No wifi. Walked around forever. Finally found the most bro party hostel. Chilled in hammock by pool. Walked to beach. Brought headband ear plug crazy contraption for ear so maaaybe I could surf. Almost came off in first wave. I’m fucked forever. Return hostel. Night. Beach has five clubs in a row all blasting different music at beach. Great if you want to listen to two different techno and reggaeton songs at the same time. Fall off something in the dark trying to take a drink piss. Hand is bleeding everywhere. Ruin shirt.

Meet German dude. German dude and I meet some girls. Talk to girl. Girl doesn't speak English whatsoever. I talk to girl for hours. Seems like I’m killin’ it in my shitty Spanish. Seems like I’m killin’ it with this girl. She lives here. I might have found one of twelve locals. Drinks. Drinking. Touching. Head kissing. Four thirty in the morning. The “Well all of a sudden I got to go” Peruvian fade. I say "do you have a contact?" She says "no but meet me here at 10pm tomorrow" I call total bull shit and say nah. She leaves. I'm so not even upset anymore. Pass out.

Sun 12/13

Wake up. All of the power in all of Mancora is out. Generators everywhere. No one is phased by this. I think about this and the night before. That girl probably literally doesn't have a working phone and literally wanted to meet on the dock at 10pm. My only chance to ever experience 50's style romance with someone who doesn't even speak my language. I am dumb. Sit at pool. Walk around. Accidently get drunk. Little beach towns there is literally nothing to do except get drunk by some body of water.

Go to eat. BBQ with raw fish and limes in their mouth for three dollars. Oblige. Sit down on beach shores and listen to crashing waves near sunset. Kids playing and some dogs chillin'. Store owning sitting in front of their businesses watching the ocean swell occasionally waving menus at passers by. Dudes BBQing sitting around and chatting with me. They're from here. They surf and eat fresh fish and fuck tourists. I totally get it. At this moment of tranquil clairvoyance a cat sits down next to me and waits patiently for my fish. This cat, looks EXACTLY like the cat I fed a fish to in Croatia at a moment when I was by the Adriatic Sea for the first time breathless from the sunny sheen of it's crystal water (the pictures in my instragram I'll fucking prove it it's the same cat). I feed the cat the bones of my fish. Cat eats the fish and vanishes. I swear to fuck if I'm inland and I see the same dog Cusquena from Machu Picchu I'm going to believe in god or krishna or crystals or some shit.

Night comes. Hang with same German dude. Tells me he slept with the totally gorgeous model hostel employee. I’m so tired of nice hot dudes with moves. Tells me about second biggest Carnival in Colombia which is happening when I get there. Went to website. If you want to be horribly offended click the “how to meet woman” tab on the Barranquilla Carnival site. German guy has coke. I say “welp” and do coke. Bar games. Challenge some Ecuadorian girl at ping pong. Get her and everyone into gambling. Go to beach and dance with this Ecuadorian. She is not attractive. Her friend and some dude go to their room to bang. Me and this girl wait on a bench cuddled up. I am so reluctant. She tells me how she noticed me all day and how cute she thought I was. I am drunk and on coke. We go back to her room and cuddle but she doesn’t want to have sex because her roommate is there. Half of me is so totally fine with this. All of me is drunk and on coke. Manage to pass out.

Mon 12/14

Wake up a few hours later. Crawl out of their room. Try to sleep. No sleep. Debate on weather I take an overnight bus to Ecuador or an 8am bus. Decide on early morning bus and not to buy a hostel room because - “well I’ll just figure it out.” Waste another day by poolside. Night comes. See girl and her roommate. Talk to cute friend. Drink and talk with dude bartender who is in love with the Flatliners. I talk to dude bartender forever. Dude bartender gets off work and has guitar and a bottle of rum. I follow him like he is a piper.

Bunch of people with us, including girls from last night. Walk a ways. Play on beach. Wasted from rum. Completely dehydrated. I come very, very close to deciding that drinking ocean water is a good idea. Turns out someone has water. Bartender dude makes someone film him and I playing a flatliners song because I promise I’ll get it to them so they can see and, I don’t know, have this kid play in their band or something? Cute friend of not cute girl is being particularly nice and cute with me. I know this is never going to work because she is with her best friend who is ugly and clearly in love with me. Hot girl falls for Flatliner dude. I’m so tired of nice hot guys with moves. I am officially fuck wasted. We all go back to their place 5am. Two beds beside each other and four wasted people. I, of course, try to instigate an orgy. This, of course, doesn’t work. We both fool around with our other counterparts for a while. 7:30am comes around and I’m walking around the room naked yelling shit I can’t remember. I take a shower, put my clothes on, yell “Hasta Lasagna,” and slam the door behind me.

Tues 12/15

No need to wake up. I’m stumbling around town grumbling out loud shit hammered barking at people in spanish that is probably not spanish shit about if they have food and that I want it. I end up buying year old snack bars. My bus pulls up and it is actually a packed minivan. All I want is sleep. Out loud to the guy I say “WHAT THE FUCK.” I’m sleeping with my eyes open while my head is bouncing around between the plastic frame of the minivan window. An hour later I’m waiting on a bus station floor for an hour. An hour later I’m waiting in Ecuadorian customs for over an hour while bureaucrats are shouting at people about which unlabeled line they are supposed to be in line for. An hour later I’m on the bus and the bus is playing what I can only describe as reggaeton glitch bounce. Some hours later I’m in a shopping mall and everyone is using American dollars. I eat at pizza hut. I get a cab to my hostel. Drink for a bit with some Australians, one of which foot is bleeding everywhere because he chased a dude on a motorcycle who stole his bag and essentially tripped the actual motorcycle and got his bag back. This is my second favorite mugging story after a ninety pound Swiss girl told me some dude tried to steal her bag and was hitting her with a machete but she was on so much coke she managed to get her bag back. If I ever get mugged I have to fight back it’s now written here. Pass out.

Wed 12/16

Self described "nice bitch" hostel owner taking people downtown. Talk to girl from Buenos Aires on bus. She speaks shit English and I speak shit Spanish. Go to Iguana park - three hundred iguanas crawl around in a park. Go to Las Peñas - pretty pastel New Orleans looking house stacked on hill. Return to hostel. Hang in hammocks for a while with girl. Get my workout routine on. My bed is moved into a room with only two beds - me and Argentina. Nice bitch dude is playing god? Sit with Argentina in our room for a while. Cute happy shitty communication. $1.50 fish rice veggie beans. Buy beers for me and Argentine. Beers are twice as much as US prices. Argentine doesn’t want beers. I drink all the beers. Argentine is talking to sexy dark Italian. I'm the only one drunk. I just sit beside everyone talking Spanish for a while because I'm too busy being a total piece of shit to learn Spanish. Argentina seems totally disinterested. Go in room. Lay down in little beds side by side. No hope. Turn out lights.

Say anything. Think hard about what to say. I don't even remember what i said. Said something. Starts conversation. Tired already hangover turns to cute giddy switching languages shit again. Curled up teetering on edge of beds facing another. Cute giddy shit turns to the classic "ohhhh you have to show me your band!" and the me "oh no it’s not very good i'm so modest hee hee ha ha" bullshit. That turns into showing each other favorite youtube music videos. Word to the wise - remember a half dozen interesting videos followed by soft sweet romantic videos so your heads drift closer and closer together while you watch a tiny screen - seriously - this has, pathetically enough, come in handy multiple times now. That turns into a totally pathetic pillow fight on HER game moves list, to which I literally roll my eyes. That turns into me straddling her in my underwear and sticking my tongue down her throat while she is trying to talk. This turns into me moving the beds together which turns into 80% humidity Ecuadorian heat sweat banging where you try to grab onto anything but your hands keep sliding off so you have to use your nails to grip (sooo tight) which goes for a while which turns into me really really struggling to figure out how to say in Spanish "I can probably keep fucking you until you cum but if you're not going to cum I'll just cum because this might not be fun for you anymore but I have no idea because we don't speak the same language but you're going to keep moaning anyway whether you enjoy or if you want me to cum." Which I did not figure out how to say. Pass out in a sweaty naked pile.

this be the only picture of I have of her

Thurs 12/17

Wake up. She is leaving to same place I am going, but I'm staying because I have a prearranged tinder date with the most gorgeous girl (dirt bag). Walk around area with headphones in. Neighborhoods strewn with parks tied together with alleys of tropical plants and knotted power lines. Very pretty. Arrive hostel. Pass out. Wake up a few hours later. Have to meet this girl like right now. Run and jump into taxi in flipflops.

Meet downtown. She is a photographer film maker jujitsu something something something. Semi-interesting conversations. Go to bars. She drinks slow. I am drink lapping her. She is telling me about video games she likes. This is, it turns out, a total turn off and I lose attention about four words in. She is asking me about me band. I say "no I'm so modest barf barf barf." We go to a club of about eight people. She says she's done drinking. I keep drink. I start dancing to new Ricky Martin jams, which are significantly better than his old jams. She is homophobic while talking shit about machismo bros. I buy more beers and push them her way. She tells me she has to work in a few hours. She tells me she lives like ten miles away with her parents. Guh. She drinks more beer. She dances with me. She takes off her glasses,and really, now, in video game nerd chic fashion, she is totally gorgeous, with some crazy body under nerd work clothes. We get taxi together. I lay it on thick in taxi with zero directions to go. Doesn't get much further than holding hands. I still have a huge problem in situations like this if I should play pushy asshole bro because the woman unaware of her own self-worth expects the dude to be a pushy asshole bro and make all the moves (I was told this by some pretty smart basic girl in Turkey (and then I tried (and then it still didn't work))) or if I should stick to my feminist instincts and be respectful and equal and let our two totally different worlds of culture and ethics drift by in a shitty dud of a story. Feminism wins at 60%. Depart. Boooooring.

There's a note on my hostel door that says "Garrett! Call this number or knock REALLY loud." Calling doesn't work. Knocking doesn't work. I'm half drunk and scale wall into second floor window. Feel pretty cool about it, probably because I'm half drunk. Nice bitch hostel owner is sleeping in my room and is worried about me. Really cute. We try to smoke weed but no papers. I stay up too late. Pass out.