Thurs 12/3 - Arequpia, Peru
Wake up. Lazy hostel mother fuckers don’t have my free breakfast ready. Hurry to bus station. Try to buy bus ticket. Lazy bus motherfucker isn’t at the bus desk five minutes before my bus leaves. Hurry to bus. Give ticket to lady at gate. Lady says “you have an hour until your bus leaves.” We compare phone times. She laughs. I’m a jackass. I have no idea how long my phone time has been an hour different. Bus to Arequipa. Arrive Arequipa. Second biggest city in Peru. Very heavy Spanish influence with colorful pastel plasters buildings and cute verandas. Check into hostel. Eurobros shouting around a pool. Some English turd touches my beard and I get very upset. Walk around a while. Go to hostel bar at happy hour.
Make friends with Eurobro and totally gorgeous German bartender. Within fifteen minutes I’ve had a double cocktail, jager redbull car bomb, and a shot of something. A girl climbs onto bar and is doing body shots off her other friend. Within thirty minutes I’m on my second double and I’ve had multiple shots poured into my mouth and I’m teaching everyone how to gamble with dice. Within an hour I have glow in the dark face paint on I’m playing beer pong and the ridiculously hot bartender is on my team. I’m just totally ruling at beer pong somehow beating even the “best” bros. I keep winning so I keep drinking while everyone else is buying the beer. Two hours in I’ve drank about twelve drinks and have bought two cocktails at happy hour and the room is spinning. I run to my room. Pass out.
Fri 12/4
Wake up. Find face paint I don't remember putting on. Find I messaged the most gorgeous Brazilian girl on tinder that i was going to hang out with tonight thinking she was another tinderella at 1am fuck faced wasted. Stops talking to me. Free walking tour. Hugely Spanish influenced city. History of volcanoes and earthquakes. Two shots of Peruvian rumplemintz at 11am for other people on my tour. I steal a shot when tour guide isn't looking. If you ever wondered what the hottest combination of ethnicities is - it's "x" Latin country and "x" former soviet country. Tall fair skinned dark haired chizzled yet rounded features. Peruvian Russian. Says she lives in Moscow. I immediately interrupt and tell her that i'm in a band and I've been there and I'm in a band. Chat about whatever. She is very pretty and classy and normal. So I ask her if is she has heard of chicken shit. Chicken shit is a drug Russian military do to avoid negative drug screenings. They force feed a chicken tobacco and suck what it shits. I tell tall beautiful Peru Rooskie. I thought I would recover in saying I got some but I was too smart to do it. She looks at me in horror. Doesn't say anything else to me the rest of the tour.
Hostel. Party. So many MiniEuroBros. typical college scene. Sit outside and drink. Eventually I get drunk enough to love the MiniEuroBros. Guy hands out free shot cards to some club. I collect like a handful of free shot cards. Go to club. Go to bar and take a shot every ten minutes with my hat on or off disguise. Dancing. Some girl recognizes me from Tinder. We dance. We make out. She is not all the attractive. I'm looking across the dance floor like the whole time while dancing with her. She pulls the classic Peruvian make out and "got to go" move. At this point of seen this move with so many people. I'm relived and disappointed. Dance. 2am. Go to bathroom. English dude has cocaine. English dude is taking a shit with me standing next to him while I do his cocaine. dance. 3am. ask some random girls to dance and they say yes and look at me horrified. 4am. palpable desperation and dudes are outnumbering girls like 10 to 1. 5am. See some french dude making out with two chicks. I get the fuuuck out of there. Pass out.
Sat 12/5
Existential crisis. Wasting my time. Just partying and sight seeing. No intention. No trying to make anything better. Need to be productive. Eat my $1.50 egg rice veggie french fry meal which included a full pitcher of pressed juice. Walk to Miradores (vista points). Miradores unimpressive. Sit and drink a beer staring at a volcano for a while for mini existential crisis. Used to be so driven to do shit. Used to have so many good ideas and the passion to do something about them. Now I'm just an international drunk. The hangover and beer and lack of sleep isn't letting me think. Taxi to big indoor market. Buy a bunch if shit. Bartering in a different language is fun and a good way to flirt with cute retail girls. Hostel. Hottest Brazilian Tinder girl in the world has apparently forgiven me and messaged me. Her name is Nicole.
We meet at a "rock" bar. She is even more gorgeous than pictured. Take Riley, make her Brazilian, give her a "no shits given" attitude (she called it "ass face", I explained that all of my friends have "ass face," and it's a positive thing), and give her great boobs. Drink. Go to a Peruvian reggaeton discotech that are a dime a dozen. She is imitating how all the girls dance (making fun of them to their face) and teaching me Brazilian dance (which is organized spinning and not caring about who you take out on the dance floor). I'm getting high fives from random Peruvian dudes - because this girl is like a massive swelling hot sore thumb in a room of basic Peruvians (Peruvians, it turns out, are entirely not all that attractive). We go to bar with live "rock" band. Led Zeppelin cover. Weird synth keyboard. Band sucks but dude on guitar shreds. Girl is getting tired. It's early. She had to wake up at 5am. I say "I knew it this is never going to work." I say out loud and for the first time in Arequipa trying to be a decent person "okay you are exhausted you should get some sleep" I walk with her to a cab. There is some obvious hesitation on her part but her English is terrible (and her Spanish is worse) so it's hard to gauge. I pull out my last ditch has never worked ever "if you would like some company on your way home..." card to which she gives an emphatic "yes" to which then she turns to hurry toward a cab to which my mouth drops and I give a really life Louie CK tennis winning secret arm pump with my mouth in a Trump O shape.
Get to this girls place which is literally a bed and a bathroom with no kitchen. Go down on her for like 8-6 hours. Bang for a few hours, to which I'm not even good at banging, but since reality has decided to shatter and reconstitute into some sort of Freshman college jerk off poster fantasy since the beginning of the night, why not my bang abilities too. Her eyes are in the back of her head and she is biting her lip while speaking Portuguese. Sleep not worth shit in her tiny bed made of newspaper or something.
Sun 12/6
Another 8-6 hours in morning and more fantasy trashy viking novel banging. Go out for some back to reality microwaved floppy cheese empanadas and purple corn drink. She has to get to lunch with Peru family. I have to get to hostel before they throw all of my shit away. I say something along the lines of "hey I'm supposed to leave tonight but I think you're pretty cool or whatever so can I move into your shittiest apartment for a while?" to which she says "I think so I'll get back to you." Hours later we are phone chatting and then hours of silence and then "I fell asleep phone in hand" and a "well my bus I might take is leaving in an hour and I'm drinking" and a "well I am busy all day tomorrow" after an hour of the most confusing language barrier details about maybe taking work off maybe her classes don't exist and a moment of four beer buzzed clarity hits me where maybe a few hours with her isn't worth another day wandering around in this city / waiting around in the newspaper apartment. I type this the next morning in the bus and I'm not sure if this "reasonable clarity" was a very smart decision at all. I rush to the bus station expecting to get the shittiest seventeen hour bus tide to Lima. Every place is sold out. I'm sort of relieved because this means I'm taking a taxi to her house. Go to second terminal next door. The nicest bus in S. America is leaving to Lima in 10 minutes at a very good price. I let out a responsible wise choice pissed off sigh. Pass out on bus.
Wake up. Lazy hostel mother fuckers don’t have my free breakfast ready. Hurry to bus station. Try to buy bus ticket. Lazy bus motherfucker isn’t at the bus desk five minutes before my bus leaves. Hurry to bus. Give ticket to lady at gate. Lady says “you have an hour until your bus leaves.” We compare phone times. She laughs. I’m a jackass. I have no idea how long my phone time has been an hour different. Bus to Arequipa. Arrive Arequipa. Second biggest city in Peru. Very heavy Spanish influence with colorful pastel plasters buildings and cute verandas. Check into hostel. Eurobros shouting around a pool. Some English turd touches my beard and I get very upset. Walk around a while. Go to hostel bar at happy hour.
Make friends with Eurobro and totally gorgeous German bartender. Within fifteen minutes I’ve had a double cocktail, jager redbull car bomb, and a shot of something. A girl climbs onto bar and is doing body shots off her other friend. Within thirty minutes I’m on my second double and I’ve had multiple shots poured into my mouth and I’m teaching everyone how to gamble with dice. Within an hour I have glow in the dark face paint on I’m playing beer pong and the ridiculously hot bartender is on my team. I’m just totally ruling at beer pong somehow beating even the “best” bros. I keep winning so I keep drinking while everyone else is buying the beer. Two hours in I’ve drank about twelve drinks and have bought two cocktails at happy hour and the room is spinning. I run to my room. Pass out.
Fri 12/4
Wake up. Find face paint I don't remember putting on. Find I messaged the most gorgeous Brazilian girl on tinder that i was going to hang out with tonight thinking she was another tinderella at 1am fuck faced wasted. Stops talking to me. Free walking tour. Hugely Spanish influenced city. History of volcanoes and earthquakes. Two shots of Peruvian rumplemintz at 11am for other people on my tour. I steal a shot when tour guide isn't looking. If you ever wondered what the hottest combination of ethnicities is - it's "x" Latin country and "x" former soviet country. Tall fair skinned dark haired chizzled yet rounded features. Peruvian Russian. Says she lives in Moscow. I immediately interrupt and tell her that i'm in a band and I've been there and I'm in a band. Chat about whatever. She is very pretty and classy and normal. So I ask her if is she has heard of chicken shit. Chicken shit is a drug Russian military do to avoid negative drug screenings. They force feed a chicken tobacco and suck what it shits. I tell tall beautiful Peru Rooskie. I thought I would recover in saying I got some but I was too smart to do it. She looks at me in horror. Doesn't say anything else to me the rest of the tour.
Hostel. Party. So many MiniEuroBros. typical college scene. Sit outside and drink. Eventually I get drunk enough to love the MiniEuroBros. Guy hands out free shot cards to some club. I collect like a handful of free shot cards. Go to club. Go to bar and take a shot every ten minutes with my hat on or off disguise. Dancing. Some girl recognizes me from Tinder. We dance. We make out. She is not all the attractive. I'm looking across the dance floor like the whole time while dancing with her. She pulls the classic Peruvian make out and "got to go" move. At this point of seen this move with so many people. I'm relived and disappointed. Dance. 2am. Go to bathroom. English dude has cocaine. English dude is taking a shit with me standing next to him while I do his cocaine. dance. 3am. ask some random girls to dance and they say yes and look at me horrified. 4am. palpable desperation and dudes are outnumbering girls like 10 to 1. 5am. See some french dude making out with two chicks. I get the fuuuck out of there. Pass out.
this English guy is taking a shit
Sat 12/5
Existential crisis. Wasting my time. Just partying and sight seeing. No intention. No trying to make anything better. Need to be productive. Eat my $1.50 egg rice veggie french fry meal which included a full pitcher of pressed juice. Walk to Miradores (vista points). Miradores unimpressive. Sit and drink a beer staring at a volcano for a while for mini existential crisis. Used to be so driven to do shit. Used to have so many good ideas and the passion to do something about them. Now I'm just an international drunk. The hangover and beer and lack of sleep isn't letting me think. Taxi to big indoor market. Buy a bunch if shit. Bartering in a different language is fun and a good way to flirt with cute retail girls. Hostel. Hottest Brazilian Tinder girl in the world has apparently forgiven me and messaged me. Her name is Nicole.
We meet at a "rock" bar. She is even more gorgeous than pictured. Take Riley, make her Brazilian, give her a "no shits given" attitude (she called it "ass face", I explained that all of my friends have "ass face," and it's a positive thing), and give her great boobs. Drink. Go to a Peruvian reggaeton discotech that are a dime a dozen. She is imitating how all the girls dance (making fun of them to their face) and teaching me Brazilian dance (which is organized spinning and not caring about who you take out on the dance floor). I'm getting high fives from random Peruvian dudes - because this girl is like a massive swelling hot sore thumb in a room of basic Peruvians (Peruvians, it turns out, are entirely not all that attractive). We go to bar with live "rock" band. Led Zeppelin cover. Weird synth keyboard. Band sucks but dude on guitar shreds. Girl is getting tired. It's early. She had to wake up at 5am. I say "I knew it this is never going to work." I say out loud and for the first time in Arequipa trying to be a decent person "okay you are exhausted you should get some sleep" I walk with her to a cab. There is some obvious hesitation on her part but her English is terrible (and her Spanish is worse) so it's hard to gauge. I pull out my last ditch has never worked ever "if you would like some company on your way home..." card to which she gives an emphatic "yes" to which then she turns to hurry toward a cab to which my mouth drops and I give a really life Louie CK tennis winning secret arm pump with my mouth in a Trump O shape.
Get to this girls place which is literally a bed and a bathroom with no kitchen. Go down on her for like 8-6 hours. Bang for a few hours, to which I'm not even good at banging, but since reality has decided to shatter and reconstitute into some sort of Freshman college jerk off poster fantasy since the beginning of the night, why not my bang abilities too. Her eyes are in the back of her head and she is biting her lip while speaking Portuguese. Sleep not worth shit in her tiny bed made of newspaper or something.
yup well here's the only picture I have of her.
Sun 12/6
Another 8-6 hours in morning and more fantasy trashy viking novel banging. Go out for some back to reality microwaved floppy cheese empanadas and purple corn drink. She has to get to lunch with Peru family. I have to get to hostel before they throw all of my shit away. I say something along the lines of "hey I'm supposed to leave tonight but I think you're pretty cool or whatever so can I move into your shittiest apartment for a while?" to which she says "I think so I'll get back to you." Hours later we are phone chatting and then hours of silence and then "I fell asleep phone in hand" and a "well my bus I might take is leaving in an hour and I'm drinking" and a "well I am busy all day tomorrow" after an hour of the most confusing language barrier details about maybe taking work off maybe her classes don't exist and a moment of four beer buzzed clarity hits me where maybe a few hours with her isn't worth another day wandering around in this city / waiting around in the newspaper apartment. I type this the next morning in the bus and I'm not sure if this "reasonable clarity" was a very smart decision at all. I rush to the bus station expecting to get the shittiest seventeen hour bus tide to Lima. Every place is sold out. I'm sort of relieved because this means I'm taking a taxi to her house. Go to second terminal next door. The nicest bus in S. America is leaving to Lima in 10 minutes at a very good price. I let out a responsible wise choice pissed off sigh. Pass out on bus.
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