Nicaragua

"There's not enough drugs in the world for my to enjoy listening to another House of Pain remix."

1/23/18 - Arrive Managua, then Granada, Nicaragua.

1:30am. Get off the pane. Car rental is closed. Wait while trying to sleep on floor while people mop around me. Remind myself I have hammock. Set hammock outside in parking lot. A few birds and diesel engines cut through the warm weight of the air. Try and get some well needed rest after a Chicago bender. Can't sleep. Night progresses. Diesel and birds crescendo in tandem. In a few hours it's a war zone of tropical birds and truck horns. Head inside to car rental desk. Car rental desk tells me yes, it is only $6/d for a car, but it's an extra $13/d with the mandatory insurance my credit card already offers. Cool. Get some money from the arm and get on five cent chicken bus to city.

A chicken bus is a school bus blinged out in the name of Jesus. Packed chicken bus brings me to Managua chicken bus terminal. A tired lady gives me a glass of fresh fruit and a slice of American cheese with lettuce between white bread. A bus drives by with a painted on windshield "Granada" which is where I've arbitrarily decided to go so I chase it and hop on.

End up at some shitty hostel in Granada called "Lost Souls" (it's moto is "Get Lost, Get Fucked"). Dirty hippies everywhere. Try to sleep but first have some beers at the bar. Meet some decent people and talk about whatever Canada and whatever seasonal scuba driving instructor job you have in Malayasia. Try to sleep. I'm sweating to the plastic mattress. Before I can pass out a guy walks in blowing what is literally a leaf blower modded out to look like a steam punk cyborg arm cannon that's blowing white smoke as a lady is yelling in Spanish "Get out fumigation!" I'm so tired and pissed. Entire hostel is full of white smoke to kill mosquitoes while hippies inhale it and don't care. I go for a walk around a city where everything is in the street and for sale for tourists. Go back to hostel and pass out a few hours.

Feel better. Walk straight to the bar to see what's going on and find out what people have been talking about a "tree house party." Some dude tells me he's from Connecticut with a thick east coast accent. I ask him if he's ever sick of people from around the world misinterpreting his sarcasm as him being an asshole. He gets pissed and almost throws a chair at me. I guess he thought I called him an asshole? East coast, man. Go back to bed.

1/24/18 - San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua.

Wake. Feel wayyy better. Go to breakfast. Dope rice, beans, eggs, salad, plantain breakfast for $2. Go to cell phone lemonade stand. Some kid tells me my unlock code doesn't work, but he has a trick. Get's my phone to work. Fuck yah kid. Go to chicken bus station to a tourist beach town where I'm chasing some hot Austrian tourist I've been talking to on the internet for a while now. Sad - but what's a better reason to go anywhere, I guess.

Arrive San Juan del Sur. Nice quiet town with lots of bars and hostels and white people. But chill as fuck and anything is better than my time in Granada. Throw my shit off at the same hostel Austria is in and run down to the beach to watch sunset over Pacific fishing boats while watching some kids shred volley ball. Drink a beer. Everything is truely great for a moment. I don't give a shit about anything. My brain is quiet for the first time in months. Shit rules.

Walk around and find little restaurant outside the bar strip. Buy a lobster plate for $6. Some dude walks in with an entire fish he just plucked from the sea. Retire to my clean hostel. Text Austria. She says she's meeting a friend but will call me after. I go out. Drink some beers. Talk to a nice French bartender who has been in this town for seven months sailing a Catamaran. Old dude come up to bar from Chicago and chats me up. This guy must love Jimmy Buffet. Hanging out down here for months of the winter giving 0 fucks. Hanging with an older Costa Rican lady who is loud and also gives 0 fucks. Shares their fries with me. Awesome.

Night is getting later. Bars are filling out and music is turning into dated American club jams. Bros are hooting. Shitty cover bands in places where I can't get to the bar. I'm old. Go to bed by 11:30 sober. Austria doesn't message me. What a dick. Pass out.

1/25/18 - Ometepe, Nicaragua

Wake. Get out of town. Moving fast. Ometepe Island. Meet Finish girl while cab drivers try to rip us off. Drink some beers waiting for boat. Meet some others on the boat. End up on island. Drink with friends. Get drunk. Play games. Some Canadian dude gives me a hammered scooter ride to his place to drink rum. Hang with sixty year old Canadian guy who won't stop talking about conspiracy theories but is still pretty cool. Typical night. Pass out

1/26/18 - Ometepe, Nicaragua

Wake. Rent scooters. Riding around island with friends. The island is literally two volcanoes that emerged from a massive fresh water lake. Lap around volcanoes. Drink some beers. Try to find a waterfall. Waterfall is closed (typical). End up riding for hours on a dirt road we should not have taken scooters on. Finish girl eats shit. Not many tourists go to this side of the island. All locals who give big smiles when you say hi. People live on this island there whole lives, go to school and work on island, marry there island neighbors, die on island. Wow. Cute French girl Anne rides with me on the back of my scooter. End up in island city with socialists murals and red and black flags everywhere. Fighting the fight against western imperialism from a volcanic island. so weird.

Return home. Exhausted. Laying in bed. I text Anne about going out to reggaeton. I pass out about two seconds after I send text. She might have been down to dance. Damn.

1/27/18 -Managua, Nicaragua

Wake. The others go to hike a volcano with sixty year old conspiricy theory. I pass. Text Anne to get breakfast with me before I leave island. Meet for breakfast. I'm waiting on Anne to order and casually ask when the boat leaves. Five minutes. I say goodbye to Anne and run to the boat. Five hours of hungy boat and chicken bus and screaming taxi drivers and cute little kids singing reggaeton. Heading to capital city Managua.

Meeting Nicaraguan yoga girl I met on Tinder. Saturday night. Whether she is cool or not, goal is to make her take me to the reggaeton club. Walk around trying to find a private room for myself "just in case." I'm unable to find a cheap room. Spend $25 on a private room at a hostel where the beds are $9. I move the two beds together "just in case" and this "just in case" is just really depressing.

Meet girl at food truck rally type place. Hip. She is telling me about ice cream. This chick is Nicaragua rich. I'm already bored. We go to rock show at bar venue. Pretty rad band for free. I ask about salsa reggaeton pop. She takes me to the greatest club of my life called (don't have phone on me, look up later). Mix of salsa reggaeton and pop. Nicaraguans going cray on dance floor. We shaking booty and getting low and slow dancy and making out. My favorite part is some old guy spinning his wife all over the place stops to look at me and look at her and take a second and only says "You are a gringo" and I say "I am a gringo" and he fist bumps me. We leave club while continue to make out. I try to convince her to stay in my "just in case" room and she tells me she can't... but next weekend she is down to go on a vacay with me. Weekend girlfriend? I'll take it. Drops me off at hostel and I fall into door guy who catches me. Pass out.

1/28/18 - Jinquiste, Nicaragua

Wake. This city is great at night but pretty shitty in the day. Head to beach. Five hours of chicken bus screaming lying taxi drivers and cute kids singing reggaeton. Walk down quiet dirt road bordered with sleeping pigs. Arrive Ruamoko Hostel. Outdoor beach hut bamboo thatch roof vibe with pool. Meet one of the hostel owners Pete. He checks me in half drunk and listening to Cock Sparer. He tells me about he loves it down here but hates the music and that everyone is on a booze cruise so he can listen to whatever he wants. I immediatly start drinking and listening to punk with him. Go for a tipsy walk to beach for tide pools and sunset. Return and booze cruise returns. It's almost entirely wasted girls who are literally rolling around on the ground. I hurry to catch up (drinking). I talk to some English girl for a while who thinks Colorado is in Canada. I talk to German girl for a while but don't know how to suggest banging around the hostel so get everyone to play cardbord instead. Keep drinking. Everyone is gone but me and punk dude who is telling me he wants to kill himself. Keep getting free beers from him. Keep drinking. We are sad weird dudes. Pass out.

1/29/18 - 1/31/18 - Jinquiste, Nicaragua

Wake. Won't put much time into writing when nothing is really happening. Much chilling. Much drinking. Walk the beach. Meet some honkies. Play lots of games. It's fun. Try surfing - suck. Stay for huge full moon party. Bribe some guy for a bottle of tequila at a bar. Eat adderall and stay up all night drinking and being weird and wandering around watching bros destroy culture to shitty music. This gringo shit can be fun but getting old. Pass out.

2/1/18 - Managua, Nicaragua

Wake. Two hours sleep. Hungover isn't the word. I try to pay for a coffee and my hands are shaking too much. Everyone is dead. Leave hostel without paying for about half of my drinks and three of my four nights because Pete the trump supporting Slovakian who gets a free pass to be drunk behind the bar all day and hit on twenty year olds because he is an "investor" has no idea how to do more than open a fridge nevermind run a business. Sit at chicken bus stop for two hours while talking to some cool locals from tiny town. Board chicken bus with the greatest music videos I've ever seen.

Arrive Managua. Get hostel. Meeting up with another Nicaraguan yoga instructor from Tinder Laura. Almost don't go because I'm so exhausted. She brings her Belgian friend and her friend's Nicaraguan boyfriend to bar. We talk about booze, drugs, music, gender non comformity, etc etc. Rad funny people who like good music and are doing good stuff for the world. My people. Laura told me she doesn't party and she is definitly high and drunk and laughing histerically at everything. Real cute. I'm touching her leg and trying to be more "obvious" about trying to have sex with somebody which is what I've been told I'm bad at. After maybe only an hour and a half at the bar we walk away while she tells me about her protest not to live with her parents and move into her own place and about how her mother told her it's okay not to get married and about how she doesn't believe in marriage or God. Progression in Nicaragua. Awesome. As she talks about it she takes me past my turn off and casually takes me to her new place. The leg thing worked? Bang. I lay next to her and feel real weird and empty after. Not usual. Don't know why. Pass out.

2/2/18 - Leon, Nicaragua

Wake Managua at Laura's at 5:30am because she needs to go teach yoga. Go back to hostel and try to sleep. Wake again. My dick literally hurts and has friction burn from drunk adderall jerking off at the party and a loose condom. Awesome. Text Laura about it which I'm still not sure if was the best idea. Tell her I'm leaving to take a break and let my dick heal at a lagoon outside of town and we can't hang this weekend. Get to the bus station and realize everything is sold out around the lagoon. Sit there for a long time contemplating my life and have a slight existential crisis to bus horns because I'm still pretty sleepless. Take bus to the North - Leon.

Check into nice quiet hostel. Have an expensive vegetarian dinner by myself. Pass out by 11pm on a Friday night.

2/3/18 - Leon, Nicaragua

Wake. Have some breakfast. Type this thing a week ago. Do some research on where to go to let my dick heal. Camile from last weekend arrives. I have bought a private room for the two of us. Hit the town.

Revolution Museum. X-Sandinista gives us a full guided tour of the museum (which is really just a bunch of photos in an old shitty building - tight) while Camile translates. Dude talks about how the United States tried to fuck Nicaragua in the 20's with the election of the original Somosa (typical shitty dictator) and again in the 60's and 70's with his son (another typical shitty dictator.) Dude has us walk across the shittiest roof ever that I was so sure I was going to fall through while showing us volcanoes. Dude talks about how he was tortured for twenty two days straight and still didn't talk. I've never seen such a perky lively dude so stoked on hating the United States.

Up next is the Cathedral where everyone goes and walks on the roof. To my surprise, this isn't just a gringo thing, and the Nicaraguans I talked to were pretty stoked on paying money to walk a roof as well. Large white domes catch the sinking sun over the city and is very pretty. Camile has me take a photo shoot of her doing yoga poses - to which I scoff - to which I learn that the cliche of doing yoga poses in pretty places and putting it on Colorado Tinder isn't a thing in Nicargua yet.

Next is a cafe for beers with trite conversation followed by a public dance troop coreographed to reggaeton and pop songs. We go to another bar and the conversation is about turning off lights when you're done with them and me playing games she can't figure out and I pour myself extra of the bottle of the rum we are sharing while she is in the bathroom to get through it. We go to another bar, meet some basic gringa friends I find boring and she finds facinating, but no blame on her because my life is basic gringa friends. We dance a bit, retire back to room, bang, pass out.

2/4/18 - Esteli, Nicaragua

Wake. Bang. Rush to free breakfast. Catch a cab to bus station. She goes home while I go north to a city called Estli. Arrive Esteli. Check into $6 private room (so cheap). Trying to figure out how to go to Somoto Canyon - beautiful river with cliff jumping even further north. Hear some girl asking reception about it outside my door. Stick my head out and tell her I'm coming with her. I reluctantly sign up for a tour with her ("There's no other way" everyone always says, and I end up believing.) Walk downtown past a church with heavy rock drums and people dancing. Walk past a fire station with a loud dance party blasting 80's pop. Have a beer in a square packed with families at night. Cool city. Meet English girl Maxine from hotel at restaurant/bar Cafe Luz. Three dollar veggie burgers - do recommend. She turns out to be a very conservative, by the books, travel type - taking Spanish classes and doing tours. Ask her if she wants to do acid on the tour tomorrow anyway. No? Okay. Have a beer. Walk back to hotel. Pass out.

2/5/18 - Somoto Canyon, Nicaragua

Wake 6am. Drag myself to bus station. I can't get up this early. I'm so exhausted. Plow some gallopinto into my face and throw myself on a school bus. Sort of sleep with my head swinging back and forth between the window and Maxine. Picked up by tour guides. Bring us to River. Walk us around river while tourists are excited to jump off tiny rocks. Place is beautiful but I can't get over how fucking lame these people are. Open your mind. They're good people. Why are you such a dick. I walk around trying to find pretty rocks until there is a good size cliff jump and it's much fun. Very pretty. End tour. Back to Esteli. Pass out.

2/6/18 - Matagalpa, Nicaragua

Wake. Bus to Matagalpa. I'm tired and in a shit mood for some reason. Try to catch bus to Pinas Blancas. Missed last bus by twenty minutes. Find nice hostel. Walk forever with bag through city. Arrive beautiful garden eco hostel that's empty and outside of town. Get depressed. I'm such a piece of shit. Take a nap because my life is hard. Wake. Go downtown and get sort of drunk by myself at some restaurant and some empty bar. Band starts and plays some US cover. Leave immediately back to hostel. Pass out.

2/7/18 - Penas Blancas, Nicaragua

Wake. Was going to rent dirt bike but it's raining and I don't actually know how to ride a dirt bike. Lonnggg rainy bus ride. Arrive Penas Blancas. Beautiful middle of nowhere eco lodge. Set up hammock by lovely waterfall that's just a five minute walk from room. Read Lao Tzu and try to get deep. Take a sunset walk with blood orange backdrop outlining black leaves. Eat some pasta. Pass out by 9pm.

2/8/18 - Penas Blancas, Nicaragua

Wake 7am. Eat pancake with honey made there and coffee made there. Sit next to river with notebook and start writing. Trying to figure out life. Trying to figure out what to do next. I came on this trip because at home my mind is blocked. Start jotting notes (see diamond notebook). Map out my life in chapters – growing up, highschool punk, hating college, Hammer Time!, DIY shows, touring Elway, love, backpacking, and now - ??? Things that made these chapters great – creativity, social, and positive impact. Need to take these things and figure out what's next. Start a business in Colombia? Develop the Denver Tool Library? Something totally different? Hm...

Waiting for tour to waterfall. I hate tours. Ask if it's really all that hard to get to. He now says - no. Dick. I grab some boots and head up. Thirty minute hike through little waterfalls, huge trees, and thick wet brush. Get to Rainbow Falls. Massive waterfall and I'm all alone. Tear up a bit. Hang with waterfall for an hour while getting sprayed and waiting for sun to hit it just right so it makes a rainbow. It makes a double rainbow. Head back down. Set up hammock by same waterfall. Lay and listen and stare through the jungle cannopy onto the sky.

Check out and give homeboy my raincoat and he's stoked. Catch bus. Arrive back in Matagalpa. Check into shitty hostel. Grab some beers at another almost empty bar. Pass out.

2/9/18 – Matagalpa & Managua, Nicaragua

Wake. Head for hike to Cerro Apante – a big cross on a big hill that overlooks the city. Get lost in a cool hilly barrio. Some kid shows me a secret back trail. Real steep slippery exhausting path. Make vista. Hang with Virgin Marry and some angel for a bit. Head down. Eat overpriced Mexican with nice people who explain how their town is just developing tourism. Grab bus for capital Managua.

Arrive Managua. Hang at hostel for a bit before I meet up with Laura. We make pasta with her roommate from England who is doing a food collection type program. After dinner she is going with friends to drum circle. We bang real quick and she is running out the door for her friend while trying to kick me out while I am trying to get a condom off my dick. Fun giddy high school shit. We meet up again later and pass out ar hers.

2/10/18 – Laguna de Apoyo, Nicaragua

Wake at 5:30am. She goes to teach yoga. I pass out. Wake again to her at 9:30am. We had a plan to leave to the lagoon right away but have sex for forever instead. Leave around noon. Arrive lagoon. Huge beautiful volcano crater filled in with water and surrounded by little not too fancy resorts. Check into airbnb around 2pm. The place is an old hotel of sorts that's now just a handful of airbnbs. It was the cheapest I could find so it's missing a nice beach and it's sort of a weird barbed wire fenced in area... not the nicest but not the worst.

Eat acid. Rent kayaks. Kayak around. I'm starting to go crazy while she feels nothing. I'm laying on my back shouting at the sky. Get back to airbnb. I get out of kayak and finally stop moving for a second in the water and everything is scribbles and patterns. I'm totally helpless with some stranger who I can't figure out if she feels anything or not. Go back into room. Crazy acid sex for what seems like eternity. At one point while my face is in her pussy my brain starts narrating story lines with different characters all having to do with eating her pussy. Absolutely I cannot explain this. Take a break and it's dark. Head out to lay in hammocks but tons of bugs. Sit on concrete platform and look out over dusk lagoon - totally incredible, but feel totally uncomfortable because she is having a hard time chilling and I can't figure out what she wants and I'm definitely unable to form a complete sentence. Go back to room. She is incredibly hungry. I can't fathom eating. There is no food. A lot of shit happens that I still can't really explain and she gets the host dude to bring us back what is maybe the grossest plate of food I've ever eaten. There is a piece of fried cheese that almost makes vomit my entire being. She is relatively calm again and I can go back to staring at grass. Other people and environment is EVERYTHING when it comes to acid...

Have more sex for a while. It's great. There's nothing else to do. Finally I'm coming down a bit by 10pm. I can make complete thoughts and sentences. She smokes some weed and gets into some weird head stuff and rolls over and passes out. I stare out the window for hours and finally pass out.

2/11/18 – Laguna de Apoyo, Nicaragua

Wake. Sweet sweet almost sobriety. Bang forever. Take kayaks to resort with breakfast. Order all of the food and smoothies and coffee. Amazing. Lay in hammock for a while and have real conversations. Talk about birds and travel and tourism. Talk about the difference between successful touristic cities – ones where money comes in and fancy places open up and both locals and tourists can participate there – vs shitty touristic cities – where there's just a tourist center and then bold segregation and borders where people don't pass (Leon vs Granada). Slowly make our way to the bus. Get back to her house. Watch Netflix and bang forever. This might have sadly been one of my favorite parts of Nicaragua – or maybe just a well needed lazy rest after 3 weeks of running. Say a sad goodbye. Grab cab to airport at midnight.