Sat 1/2 - San Cipriano, Colombia
Wake to alarm 7am. Am going to a place called San Cipriano a few hours outside city. Darly, as of last night, is coming with me. San Cipriano is a place I found via Google Image search for something like "wicked sick waterfall natural pools swimming Colombia" or something. Am told to leave very early by Darly. Don't leave house until 10am. Breakfast with her bro and gf until 11am. Errands until 12p. Grandparents house until 2pm. (Mother is there, walks and goes through shit we were shopping for immediately, its just me and her at table, finds condoms, turns around, walks away (???).) Apparently Colombia/Darly works in Italian time. Finally arrive San Cipriano an hour before dark.
San Cipriano is a town of a few hundred people. To get to town first you need to cross a cable bridge over a river where the planks are rotting out. After you need to catch what is called "brujita" (little witch) which is, no shit, a wooden pallet someone built with wheel bearings nailed to the bottom with a motorcycle strapped to it all set on top of old train tracks. This is essentially DIY pornography for me. This piece of shit cruises about ten miles to town at around 40mph and halls the public but including families of old people and children. I brought beer and snacks for the ride and haven't been so concerned for my own life and everyone’s surrounding me in quit a while. On the way we saw one derailed and one that very well may have been on fire. But no problem for the fire because the heavens opened up and let down sheets of rain leaving every single thing I brought soaked. It also left me flying through the Colombian jungle on a piece of wood beer in hand rain pelting against me and a very attractive Colombian both now drenched and shirtless on the way to one of the most gorgeous places I've seen in my life. If you say Tinder has killed romance - you're doing it wrong.
Arrive San Cipriano. Still pouring. Run under some nice old ladies deck who is selling liquor mixed with a nut smoothy (way good). Rain doesn't ever stop. Walk through concrete and rebar sort of town in rain looking for hotels. Some little kid joins us to run into every hotel and ask if availability. Darly is also asking people, and this being a predominantly Afro-Colombian town, is calling everyone “Negrito” or “Negrita” to their face, to which I look at her in horror, to which she responds is normal. Woah. After the tenth hotel we get a room. Tip the kid a dollar. Move in.
The hotel is really just stacks of cinder block partitions. This particular hotel is horror movie themed complete with large spooky floor puddle, backed up shit in shower, and an exposed wire that electrocutes me. Find a string and hang up all of my rain drenched clothes. Get a beer somewhere. Pass out.
Sun 1/3
Think we are crossing short way so don't bring sandles. Due to miscommunication I am actually hiking a national park in bare feet. Walk to some waterfalls. Grandpa with homemade herbal booze around his neck gets me drunk by 10am. Hang out sunbathing in different parts of river drinking beers and taking pictures of Darly's body which, for mediocre white bread such as myself, is baffling. See now wasted grandpa again and gives us more liquor. Part of river with about a hundred people partying eating grilling drinking. Tubing cliff jumping and rope swinging. Stand at highest point wedged between rock and tree. Swing. Fly. So sick gnar. Head back. Sleeping bag has fallen and is now in creepy mystery puddle. Change fucking hotels. Nicer one for cheaper. Thunder storm rain pelting against steel roofs. Dinner and board games. Pass out.
that's me in the air because sick
Mon 1/4
Dank breakfast. Tour. Greek god of a sexy muscular mohawked Afro-Colombian tour guide. Walk through jungle stopping and swimming at different waterfalls. Log sticking out of turquoise water to dive into moss and jungle surrounded waterfall. The sort of place that will make my 45 year old self break down crying in the frozen food section of a King Soopers. Depart wood motor pallet train. Depart over rotting cable bridge. Wait for bus that might never come. I’m laying on the sidewalk with my bag as a pillow not caring if I ever get back to Cali. Finally bus. No jungle sex, but sunset 90mph swerve backseat of Mom’s minivan head instead. Arrive Cali. Darly knows someone with cheap nice hotel. Check in. Get naked. Convince her it's a good idea to point phones at each other while naked. Pass out.
That's a boob.
Tues 1/5 - Salento, Colombia
Wake. Salento, a few hours north, where I’m going next. Debate guaranteed nice time pretty lovey time with her vs. the gamble of a story. Invite Darly to Salento. English guy at hostel is translating through Darly that he lost his $100 underwear that were hanging on some string. Darly and hotel owner are both laughing at this shittiot. White people am I right?
Taxi to grandparents house. More “black people steal” from educated locals conversation over lunch. Parrots maniacally laughing in background. Throw six beers in a plastic bag and hit the road. Drag plastic bag into bus. More drinking beers on public buses. When all of Colombia is a bar everything seems like a show.
Arrive terminal. Cheap ass sim card for phone and I have internet everywhere now for better or worse. Depart Cali. Beautiful thick palm and cute house spotted countryside. Cop helping fix motorcycle roadside. Still drinking the beers. Arrive Salento. Walk around asking for hotel rooms. Tourist town. Blah. Everything expensive. Find what might be old ladies house with extra room for good price. Worst vegetarian restaurant I’ve been to in my entire life. Leave feeling cheated and hungry. Feel empty for other reasons. Am missing parts of home. Miss Cheez-Its the most for some reason. I'd pay, no shit, fifteen dollars for a box right now. Buy a large juice box of cheap rum instead. Drink in park. Darly is very bad at games. But really into banging all the time. Pass out.
the hotel
the hotel
Wed 1/6
Wake up. More banging. As soon as I finish I’m overwhelmed with missing home. For some reason Jeff fucking Popco is first in my head as soon as I collapse next to cum covered Darly. Weird. Do some shit. Eat some shit. Late start to plans for the day. Supposed to hike to waterfall early in the AM. It’s now afternoon. We take bus for what I find out was supposed to be for five minutes for an hour all the way to a neighboring city. Take the bus back. Costing me money and a significant part of the day. Probably going to miss part of plans. Darly is bummed. I can’t be bothered. We just arrived to the trail head to the waterfall. Pfffftthhhhh.
Hike majestic river through majestic meadows spotted with wax palms and skinny cows. I’m hungry and a bit bitter - because I’m an idiot. Arrive waterfall. Jump in freezing water. Feel way better. Climb waterfall with Darly. River with small waterfall every one hundred meters. Walk across long slippery downed tree. Make out and almost fall off tree taking Darly with me. Find a giant moss rock in middle of river, forcing two small waterfalls on either side of it. Front facing rock like a boulder but tapers off into a long moss bed. Behind and in front of it waterfalls. Get naked on rock. Surrounded by waterfalls. Looking up through palm leaves into a clear blue sky with a crazy shaped Colombian on top of me. I’m the least deserving person in the world. Slap me if I ever complain about anything again.
I’m skipping and singing the whole way back. Arrive back to town. We don’t have time to see the giant wax palms - literally the one thing everyone comes all the way to this town to do. I debate staying an extra night. But the missing burdens me again. I shut down and as irrational I know it is can’t get over it. I’m leaving tonight. Darly asks if she can come with. I say no. We get on bus to terminal. She departs south back to Cali. I depart north to Medallin.
this is important
"Bang Rock"
"Bang Rock"
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