Cali, Colombia

Mon 12/28

Alllright Colombia. Here we go. These five days are very long I'm sorry. Also I’m typing this while listening to loud ass bro techno so maybe that will influence things.

Wake up to the ham sandwich of white people complaining more about how cold and uncomfortable this nice ass bus is. Arrive Cali. Taxi driver tries to rip me off. Seventy year old Colombia overhears this and says “I can get us a cab for 500 pesos” which is like, 10 cents. Dude is nice and patient as all fuck. Is going to same area so we can split the 10 cents. I’ve been hearing about how sweet Colombians are but this is ridiculous. Dude makes phone call. Turns out his nephew who has lived in New York for twenty years as a cab driver is picking us up. He is fifty or so. I help them into the car with a thousand pounds of sugar and eggs. Dude gives me a quick tour of the city. Drives me to his house. We have juice together. Offers me to stay in his house for the time I’m in Cali. I refuse, but we make plans to drive around and get a local's tour of Cali for “lesser known districts, countryside, and beautiful woman.” Now this sounds sketchy as fuck, but if you met this dude, he is so devastatingly sweet, like your cold heart thaws for a minute under hope for humanity. Check into hostel. Return to his house. There are a half dozen older as sweet gentleman meeting in his living room. He tells me to return in a few hours. On my walk back to the hostel I remember him mentioning a quick “I was in prison for ten years for drugs and was deported from the United State” sort of remark. Didn’t think anything about it then, but older sweet well dressed dudes, taxi driver meeting? Curious. Maybe drug guy. Maybe mob. But sooo incurably sweet. Return to his house one last time. Not there. Settle in at hostel.

Feria Festival. Parade downtown. Grab a few people from hostel to split cab ride. Carnaval parade. People decked in costumes marching down the street to celebrate life. Open a beer that sprays on a mother and kid. Apologize. Hang out yelling for a while. Return to hostel. Walk around pretty park. Friend some bros at the pool bar at hostel. Bros just checking out all the girls at the hostel wearing open collar shirts and chains. Probably took and hour to dress so it looked like it didn’t take them an hour to dress. Bros are so self-conscious.

Tinder date with Darly. Southern name. Definitely not southern. Girls are so whatever at this point. Zero expectations. Way to do something other than hang out with gringos though. South Americans always want to meet with friends. Meet at hole in the wall bar. Old people salsa dancing near the few tables in the entire bar. So cute. Girl is cool, but a little boring. Friends are cooler. Not really paying any attention to girl I’m actually on the date with. Go to different bar. Go to liquor store. By rum. Girls are talking shit about how long it is taking me to open the bottle of rum on our walk to the next bar. Sit outside of bar with our own bottle of rum. Taking tiny shot after tiny shot. Cali claims to be the world capital of Salsa. The customs of Salsa in Cali when you want to dance with someone works like this… See someone you like? Grab them take them on the dance floor. Male or woman grabbing a male or woman? Doesn’t matter. You dance. As we are sitting drinking in a circle dudes are just walking up and grabbing the girls and the girls don’t think anything about it. They dance for a song and return. Some girl grabs me. I say “nooooooo.” Everyone looks at me like “Fuck you gringo - dance.” I make an ass of myself and return. I’m not yelling about east coast attitude and family or something for some reason. Two friends and I are having a great time and getting deep. Darly is like, shut down. Trying to get with other friends on Tinder date isn’t courteous or a possibility. Darly walks away. I turn and talk to some girl. Girl is from Ecuador and staying at a hostel near mine. Say goodbye to cool friends. Don’t say goodbye to Darly. Vanish with Ecuador (Karen).

Karen from Ecuador. Very little English. I'm very little Spanish. Quickly arm and arm. Head kissing. Mouth kissing. Get to hostel. Her friends we walk with enter hostel. Karen and I head to park. Making out in park. See big famous exposed roots tree. I get really excited about the prospect of fucking in the famous tree. Try to climb it. Yelled at by security. Walk deep into park. Lay in open grass. But sun is coming up. Walk around a while in broad daylight. Find a bamboo grove (?). Find a canopy in bamboo grove, with a pillow (?). Bang in grove. Depart bamboo grove. I realize how drunk I actually am now that not every bit of my attention is focused on “how banging.”  Stumbling around streets yelling. Have a cigarette. No lighter. Really want to smoke. Walk by a dude who literally just set a random pile of trash on fire (next to a trash can (?)). Light my cigarette of pile of trash. Allegory for my life. Try to sneak her into my hostel. Get caught. Dudes working are pissed. She goes home. Pass out.

Tues 12/29

Wake up around 3pm. Eat at vegetarian place again. So, so cheap and delicious. Walk around the city a bit. Street fair carts and windows brandishing piles of meat and fresh squeezed juice. Salsa dance class again. Begin drinking. Go out with French and American guy. Meet back with OG tinder date Darly, because, why not. Meet at same bar. Head to live salsa festival. Seven dollar entry, but get free six pack of beer with straps so you can wear your beer like a backpack. Head into middle of salsa festival with American dude. Only two white people in the entire few thousand person place. Dudes throw their super hot girlfriends to salsa dance with us. We obviously have no idea what we are doing. We are on the jumbo screen. Nice one, Colombia. 

Go to a salsa bar. Bring the rest of our beer backpacks. It’s apparently totally cool to just set up a pile of beer outside the bar and drink and then whenever go in and salsa dance and never buy alcohol. Darly and I are arm and arm. It’s 4am, and there are twenty people in the middle of the street trying to stop cabs to take us to an 8am bar. Get to the bar. They won’t let us in because our shoes are dirty. Everyone stands around drinking in the parking lot for an hour. I’m wasted lying down in the middle of the lot yelling. Kiss Darly a few times. She takes off in cab. I cab back to hostel with Frenchy.

Wed 12/30

Wake up around noon. Still drunk. Drink a beer poolside with Frenchy. Go out to vegetarian place for the third time with some people. 4pm meet George - dude I met at bus terminal. We are supposed to go on tour of city. He has people over. One old dude was the doctor for some Colombian president. The other old dude used to film porn. A bottle is put in front of me. It’s sugarcane alcohol. I do a shot. Porn film dude pours another shot. This repeats until half the bottle is gone. Seventy year old grandpa I originally met at bus terminal is getting upset because we are getting drunk and hey - he’s a grandpa. We are sneaking shots behind grandpa's back. Dude is now talking about drug cartels and the price cocaine goes for around the world according to what grade it is. Talks about the mafia. He tells me how pure Colombian cocaine goes for $200 or something in the US. He says he can get a back for about $7. New years is tomorrow so I, obviously, ask him for it. He calls a guy. Grandpa is figuring this out no matter how hard we are trying to sneak it behind his back because hey - he’s a grandpa. He’s pissed. The bottle is now empty between me and this dude. Doctor president is also talking about cocaine and goes to the store to get another bottle because he think it’s hilarious how drunk me and porn guy are getting. Sweet sister makes us dinner. Dudes except porn guy and grandpa go somewhere. Porn guy gets and gives me the coke. He tries a little. I try a little. I listen to him talk about camera angles for fucking until dudes are finally back so I can say goodbye and run away.

Return hostel. Power coke look for ATM. People in Colombia are very nice but will give you wrong directions all of the time. I’m mad - because coke is a disgusting drug. Return to hostel. Everybody is gone. I wait to meet up with Darly. Midnight thirty. Salsa club. Cali bars/venues are like any city bars/venues - divided by genre - but everyone still listens to salsa, so it’s just  different looking people still listening to salsa. Meet Darly at the Denver High Dive of salsa. Tattoos and cool hats. Live band. Three drummers. Last show after ten years of being a band. Fucking killliiing it. One dollar beers and fifteen cent cigarettes outside of venue. Bands done. Suddenly I’m hanging out with a half dozen of impossibly gorgeous living photoshop woman (the first thing every person has said while traveling about Colombia is always a deep breath followed by “...beautiful woman.”) More of Darly is hanging on me according to how much she is drinking. Drummer, bassist, me, Darly, and two of her friends take a cab to the park that’s on top of the hill. We are all sitting on a ledge looking over a city drinking nice rum and making out. She says “will you come home with me?” I, and might I say doubtfully hopeless given the trend of almost every local make out sesh, oblige. Friends go home. She takes me to the big tree I tried to have sex in last night.

The weird crazy flags that I don’t pick up on because I find them charming because I’m also crazy start. She tells me that the first tree she peed on when she was three years old with her father was this tree, and now she is going to pee on it again. Normal enough. I look away. She says “you have to watch me.” Hmm. Kiss. She tells me she "loves my kisses." Cute and broken English enough. Walk downhill to find cab to the house she invited me too. Hails cab. Cab stops. She looks at me. She says “okay it was fun now bye.” I shout “what I thought we were going to your house???” while also cracking up - because trends. She says “no I live with grandparents and bla bla bla the same story as ever” after, multiple times, asking me to go home with her. 

She slams the door to the taxi and waves the taxi off. We make out against the wall. I’m touching her vagina. She says we have to go somewhere. We are literally standing next to the park where Ecuador and I banged. I laugh sort of in half disbelief of the words coming out of my mouth, which are the same words as two nights ago, which are “well, we can go to the park, or try my hostel…” She says, “I’m not going to fuck you in a park.” I say, “okay.” I say, “...my hostel probably won’t work.” She says “why do you think that?” I say, “I’m just guessing.” I say “I guess we should try anyway.” Try anyway. Manage to get in. I say “ummmm, so I live in a full eight person dorm.” We go to the shower. The cleaning lady is shouting at us through the door. The cleaning lady is spraying water under the door. I think it’s hilarious. Darly, suddenly, does not think any of this is hilarious. Open shower door. Staff and cleaning lady are all standing there. Staff is being nice. Darly is screaming FUCK at staff. I’m trying to apologize to staff. Leave hostel. Now Darly is screaming at me. I’m now in a relationship fight with someone I’ve known for three days and have never had sex with. I try to explain it was a misunderstanding (although it was very, very clear) and that I’m sorry (although I’m not.) She is blind furious. Yells FUCK a few more time. Hails cab. Departs. I shake my head, and laugh a little - because trends. Pass out.

Colombian are scary attractive

Thurs 12/31

Wake up at 11am few hours sleep. By this time every person working at this hostel totally hates me. I ask if they have a bed for the night and they look at me, without looking at the computer, and only say “no.” Throw my stuff in storage. Nowhere to go besides poolside. Piece of poolside shit all afternoon. So fucking hung over exhausted. Talking at Frenchy about how I only love crazy girls. Decide that I love this girl. Reading Notes from Underground to cheer myself up. Sit down at table full of strangers. Start talking about MDMA. Me and some different guy from long island convince half the hostel that MDMA is the coolest thing on the planet. Somehow manage to find a contact.

Mojitos around five. Go out to dinner with New York David, Frenchy Thomas. Still so fucking tired hoping drunk will help. Talking absolute no fuck given non-sense to French Canadian who somehow finds this charming and invites me into her bed since I don't have one. Return to hostel. More drinks. Share gram of the pure coke with David, Thomas, and cute England girl. But instead of waking me up is just makes me jittery and still tired. Everyone else thinks it's amazing. Coke is a disgusting drug. Talk and talk. French girl talking to me. Don't care. Ten minutes before midnight realize everyone else is too drunk to make decision of leaving this fucking hostel. Start shouting and round up a group of people to hit the street. Get outside about thirty people from the hostel are following me. I don't know where I'm going. Walk a few blocks and find giant twelve foot puppet person with quarter sticks of dynamite shoved in its eyes (tradition). At stroke of midnight I have a grape to eat so I get twelve wishes (tradition). At stroke of midnight I have a gel capsule of Molly to eat (not tradition but I think it might make my wishes come true.) Midnight hits. Grape. Molly. No explosions. Bust. Doesn't matter. 

12:05 Everyone is salsa dancing in the middle of the street. 12:10 I'm grabbing and hugging everyone telling them good job not dying this year. 12:15 Order dollar beers from street table so lady and her kid set up. 12:30 on the dot I take off to Molly land. 12:35 I'm hugging and kissing English girl. 12:40 the giant puppet man is being laid in the middle of the intersection. People are rapping safety rope around intersection to protect people. 12:45 someone lights the safety rope on fire because actually it's a huge chain of explosions. Explosions feel sooooooo goooood ohhhh drugs. Someone is yelling at me to step back. I turn around and realize everyone is standing about twenty feet back further than me and that I'm still standing next to exploding rope as if it's safety rope.

Return hostel to send message to Darly. Say I'm gonna be at some bar. Cab with pretty girls rolling balls. End up at like 10,000 square foot club. Tons of people from hostel - half are rolling. Drinks are a million dollars. Gringos aren't getting served. Don't care. David and England do their second pill. I'm waiting for Darly. Darly shows up. Doesn't want to do drugs. Whatever she says because I decided that I love her. Thomas flying around with the weight of his smile cocking his head back like a magical rolling French person because he has done his third pill. David and England are just sitting at table rolling balls. Frat bro I met first day at hostel that I decided I hate because he unbuttons almost his entire shirt and talks about how much pelt he slays is licking some ugly fat girl. Old German dude trying to fit in and be a cool traveling kid I have to tell to lick his thumb and rub off his half full coke mustache. David and England are still sitting high as hell at the table and it’s bringing me immense joy to fuck with them BVP “everyone but me is on drugs” style.

Leaving. Waiting by street. Darly flips off first three cab drivers. We wait an hour and a half for the forth so I get beers. Very daylight. David and England in daylight look like don't do drugs billboards. Frenchy is running around hitting on allll the girls somehow in total smooth French style while I can only imagine is completely out of his mind. Bros pour out of bar and line street. Worrying no taxi. I drink beer and could give a fuck less weather I live or die, part because I’m in Colombia, part because I’m still on drugs. Taxi arrives. Darly is taking me to her brothers place just outside of city. Edge of city suddenly become woods. Taxi winds streets spotted with colorful little homes. Dropped off. Walk ten minutes up hill with all my shit exhausted and drunk but the little high makes this just outside the city neighborhood absolutely gorgeous.  Rolling plush hills landscaped with FARC chic style jungle. Homes with zero building code mean people can build with whatever materials and garnish it with whatever mountain overlook balcony they damn well please. Arrive to brothers. Tiny apartment with even tinier air mattress. Brother is sleeping somewhere else. I'm excited because this means I may not sleep alone in a closet. Crawl into air mattress together. Bang. Yessssss. Pass out.

Fri 1/1

Happy New Year! Wake 3:30p. Brother and girlfriend are making delicious breakfast. Step outside. Quaint hillside yard with overlooking view of the city with cats and puppies and chickens and magic. Girlfriend lives in what we could call a Tiny House, what the would just call practical, next to apartment. There is no place in the US like this where you can get out of the city to your cheap quite colorful countryside house in fifteen minutes. Literally the sort of fairy book scene I want to spend the rest of my life in. Brother in girlfriend have laid out blankets for us to lay on and eat fruit that is falling from the trees around us. Lay in warm afternoon sun for a while. Play with two month puppy for a while. Talk of river to swim in nearby but never make it. Night falls. Head 10 minutes by bus to edge of city. Drink beer in city bus because that is totally normal. Pizza restaurant. Return to house. Bang. An all around perfect day. Pass out.